Luvsoftly

Boys Are Dumb!!!!!

Being a woman of a certain age, I enjoy talking to younger women about their dating and relationship experiences. This is a way for me to stay in the loop and provide wise counsel. Funny thing, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I was having a conversation with one such young lady a couple of weeks ago. I knew she was  some months into a new dating relationship. I was checking in on her and wanted to find out how it was going.  When I asked how she was doing, she recounted this story to me. It seems the young man in question was someone she was friendly with several years ago in college. Since college they had lost contact.  He happen to run into a friend of hers and asked about her. Because of his apparent interest, he was given my young friend’s contact information.  He promptly followed up and located her, whereupon he expressed to her how he always liked her and tried to find her all these years. He went on to say, how lucky he felt to be back in touch with her again. If I was confronted with such expressions of longing and interest I might be wooed too.  A  la Wendy Williams, “How you doing?”

My young friend entered into a dating relationship with him. They went out and had fun, but she began to see character issues that she felt she could not deal with in the long-term. He was nice and all, but it was the little things. You all know what I’m talking about, that feeling in the pit of your stomach you get when things just are not right, or just shock your senses. Unfortunately, some of us, in our desperate attempt to “create” true love, we ignore it. On the other hand, there are a few courageous souls out there, that are willing to trust their instincts.  I am happy to report my little friend was of the courageous variety.  She chose not to ignore her instincts and to be honest with herself and him. She went out with him and broke the news to him as gently as she could. She told him it was over and there were no hard feelings. Well this stupid “boy” proceeded to ask her to, pay for a pair of glasses she accidentally broke several months earlier, return $35.00 that he used to pay for a dinner that she had planned to treat him to, and to cap it all off, he asked her to return a pair of bowling shoes he got her as a gift. Bruh, bruh, you want the bowling shoes back???

She ended her tale by exclaiming “Boys are dumb”!!!  I could not have agreed more.  Clearly her instinct were so right in wanting to break up with him. He was a boy and not a man, as he proved in his actions after she ended the relationship. It never occurred to him to discuss her concerns, but instead he chose to grab his toys and go home. Her story confirms my theory that there are a lot of boys out there disguised as men, and this blog is a cautionary tale to all you ladies not to get caught up. These boys can be anywhere  from 18 to even 66 years old.  Don’t forget Herman Cain, aka “Uncle James.”  The “boy” who almost ran for President of the United States. That was a hot mess!!!  The key to sniffing these “boys” out, is using your eyes, ears and most importantly trusting your instincts, I guarantee it is never wrong.

I know it is so easy to fall for the “okey doke”.  You’re in a relationship, you want it to work, and you are all in,  and then it happens!!!! The “boy” appear.  This is where your instincts, or what I call the “boy-o-meter” should start going off.  Aside from the “boy” behavior I described above, here is just a short list of things you may observe the “boy” do. He whines because you have to work late; he wants you to cook for him after you had a long day at work, and you’re not even married to him; he starts stupid arguments for no reason; he calls you names; he thinks every man you talk to you’re involved with; he constantly borrows money from you; he flirts with other women in front of you;  he uses your car to pick up some other chick;  he is late all the time;  he tells his mother everything;  he always has one of his boys, aka “Tyrone”  lurking about; he does not want to meet your friends or family; he doesn’t open the door for you; or crime of all crimes, he eats the last of your leftover lasagna. Oh my Lord!!!! The list goes on and on, but I am sure you get my drift.

Ladies, when the boy appears, and you know you cannot deal with him run the other way!!!! Don’t fool yourself into thinking, “you are the one”  that can help him grow up. If his mama couldn’t do it, what makes you think you can? Make no excuses for him.  If your boy-o-meter is weak or not working, be sure you have a good friend who truly wants to see you happy. Run the “boy” behavior by her, if she is true blue, she will tell you the truth.  Now, in some cases a conversation between you and the “boy” in question may assist him in seeing his “boy” ways.  I caution you, however, this works in very few instances. It depends on the man, and what “boy” character he is exhibiting.  Remember ladies, God wants only the best things for you and that includes a grown “man.” God created you so trust what he gave you, your instincts are there for a reason.

I read this on a good friend’s  FB wall and it struck a chord in me and I am sure it will in you.

“One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.”  In the meantime…….

Luvsoftly

Meet Joe Blow

Earlier this month we honored Dr.Martin Luther King.  I couldn’t help but think of his wife Coretta Scott King. Today happens to mark the sixth anniversary of her passing. What a mantle she had to wear in supporting Dr. King’s vision. Marriage is hard enough all by itself, without being in the public eye, and mind you not an adoring eye, but  eyes full of hate. Mrs.King  had to stand by Dr.King every time he got arrested, or threatened with death. She very often had to eat alone, raise the kids alone, sleep alone and not go on great trips, and get “push” gifts for every one of the four children she and Dr.King produced.  No reality shows, no tell all book, or made for salacious T.V. movie could capture the strength and courage it took for this woman to follow the vision of her husband.  Are you ready for the “vision” guy, or do you want “Joe Blow” ?

As a relationship/life coach I am often confronted with what are legitimate complaints by wives about the shortcomings of their husbands. From being a slob, to not authenticating their wives feelings on certain subjects that affect their marriage.  On the other hand I meet the wives that just can’t seem to catch their husband’s vision. What I mean is, there are those certain group of men that have a destiny to do great things for their family or even for the world. They may come from humble beginnings. Often none of the sixes apply to these men, no six-pack, not six-foot tall, no six figure income. Dr. King was five feet six and a half inches tall, what is the phrase Nene coined last Atalanta Housewife episode, “The talls against the smalls.” Well I will take him small if  he comes in Dr. King’s caliber, sorry I digress.   These men may see a vision  for their family or for the world.

In some cases the wives of these “vision” guys can’t deal with that. What they want is the husband I call “Joe Blow.”  Yeah, “Joe Blow” is the guy who is happy just to work, and do all the things their wives want to keep them happy. He really does not have a vision or a dream to follow. He is happy to have a woman and maybe a few kids. Their wives are content to have “Joe Blow”  home all the time, cuddling with them watching Lifetime movies, or doing things around the house, bringing them flowers and gifts  on the required events or holidays (i.e. birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day ect. ect. ), going where their wives want to go, so the wife can show everyone that she “got a man.” I ain’t mad at you if that is what you want.

My thing is, if you want “Joe Blow”, be honest with yourself from jump and look for “Joe Blow”. I have to believe when you meet someone if he is one of those “vision” guys you will know this. He will tell you about his vision and you will see it in his character. Unfortunately, what happens is.  in the desperation to get a man, some women will say she is down with the cause and sees the vision. He believes her and they get married. After they are married she flips the script.  She wants him to “presto changeo”  become “Joe Blow”, and help her to keep up with the “Real Housewives of anywhere” or the “Basketball Wives.”  She is expecting to be wined and dined and lavished with gifts and have the one or two requisite babies to complete the false front, with no regard to his vision. Those are the couples that suddenly divorce and you are left shaking your head.  On the other hand there is the wife that may help the vision guy, and after a certain period of time, when challenges come up, or there are too many pressures that comes with the vision, she get’s tired and wants out. If you can’t handle  the “vision” guy, then meet “Joe Blow”.

The “vision” guy may not be in the news or famous. My dad was a vision man. He had a vision for his family. He could have stayed in Haiti, where he had a good job, he was responsible for the full fleet of government cars.  However, there was a lot of injustice and people suffering under the existing Duvalier government.  He faced arrest because he would often speak out against the government’s actions. He knew he did not want his family in that environment. Thus he moved to the United States, not knowing the language,  the culture, or anyone there, or even having money. My mother stayed behind raising my three sisters alone for two years until he could send for them. My mother understood his vision. She never complained and assisted him along the way. He did not change the world but he produced nine children who change the world everyday in their various occupations.

You may meet a guy who seems to have nothing, but a vision or a dream, but with your love, help and devotion he may be able to fulfill that vision beyond your wildest expectations. I have a girlfriend who has a thriving legal career, which she worked hard to attain, but she married a “vision” guy.  Being smart enough to understand your husband’s vision, can be half the battle in a marriage.  Her husband has a dream and a vision and she is all in, as a result she is prepared, when the time comes  to put her career aside to support him and his vision. Sorry ladies, but that is what a smart wife does.

There is a story of a conversation that took place between President Obama and his wife, First Lady Michele Obama, I don’t know how true it is but it plays into this topic.  Apparently, The President and his wife went out to dinner at a trendy D.C. restaurant. The owner came by their table and greeted them both, but talked to the First Lady in a more familiar manner. She seemed to know him, and they exchanged pleasantries. After he walked away, President Obama inquired of the First Lady how she knew him. She explained that they once dated when she was younger. The President then exclaimed, “Oh, just think you could have been the wife of  the owner of this restaurant, to which she retorted, “No I would have been the wife of the President of the United States.”  Well played First Lady,well played!!!  In the meantime…..

Luvsoftly

New Year, New You, New Boo!!!!

As 2011 is about to come to a close, I am sure like me, you have been doing a year in review of your life. For me 2011 was a beast. The economy, family relationships, and my spiritual life were all in flux. A lot of highs and lows. People entered my life and sadly people left my life. I had to get used to a new normal. Thanks to all of you I was able to get a vision of my purpose here on this earth, which is to help those who want to get love and keep love through being a Life/Relationship Coach. I love it, that is where my passion lies. But I am sure you are familiar with the adage, “The shoemakers children never have shoes.” In other words, in doing my review there was one glaring void. I did not get MY love!!! As 2011 began I was hopeful along with other single ladies that this was going to be the year to meet someone who would come in and sweep me off my feet and make everything right. I will admit, I felt bad for a second that it had not turned out that way, but now as 2011 is coming to an end, I am preparing for 2012, with excitement and a new motto, that I pray inspires you as much as me. NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, NEW BOO!!!! I plan on working on a “new me.” I realize that I have to do some different things in my life in 2012 to get all I am worthy of, especially meeting “the boo.”

There are some basic things we all may have to work on to attract that “new boo” we all want. The first thing is to look within ourselves. Query, would you want to go out with you? Think about it. We often look to outward appearances when looking for someone to get into a relationship with, but I would venture to say, we have to be able to look at ourselves and consider what another person may see. Are you judgemental of yourself? Do you spend a lot of time thinking of all the things you are not, as opposed to all the good things about you? Do you respect yourself enough not to allow people to abuse you? Do you take care of yourself, as in eating right, exercising, doing fun things you like? These things are important to help you feel good about you. Feeling good about yourself allows your inner light to shine through, thus becoming attractive to others. I recently read a quote by Debbie Ford, New York Times best-selling author and internationally recognized expert in the field of personal transformation and human potential. “When we love and respect who we are, we naturally feel worthy enough to have it all.”

The second thing is to stop looking. I have a girlfriend who goes to events and outings always “looking” to find someone. Having plain old fun and enjoying the company she is with is so far removed from her mind. She is like a commando on a mission, to literally find her man. Unfortunately, she fails to keep in mind the scripture from Proverbs that say, “A man who finds a wife, finds a good thing and finds favor with the Lord..” Not a woman who finds a man!!! Ladies let’s stop looking and begin to trust God to bring that right person to us. I know it’s hard and easier said than done, especially with all the media pressure that say, you need to have someone, be with someone, you don’t have no one? What is wrong with you? Hold up, wait a minute!!!!! You don’t want someone just for today, or for a year? You want someone who can stand the test of time with you. Don’t try to replicate someone else’s love story in your life. You are your own story, only you and God holds the pen that will tell your tale. Love often comes when you are not looking.

The third thing is to relax the standards. Let’s get rid of the body type, height, education, financial requirement, and even race requirement. Now I am not saying that you should get together with the first ogre that comes along. However, we often pass over people who approach us because they don’t look like what we have in our mind as our perfect mate. Not all of us are going to have Denzel Washington, or Hill Harper as our husbands. He might just be Mark Wahlberg, or Brad Pitt. Look at the Obama’s. Barack Obama came to Michele’s law firm, and to hear her tell it, she thought his name was funny, and just did not want to be bothered mentoring this newbie to her law firm. He came to her with nothing but dreams. The Word say in Zechariah 4:10 “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin….” Isn’t she glad she had a change of heart, can we say First Lady Michele Obama.

Fourth, make new friends. Look at your current friends, who is supporting and cheering you on in wanting to make positive changes in your life, and be a better you in 2012? On the other hand, who is willing to serve hor d’oeuvres at your pity party and constantly remind you that there are no good men out there, and all men are dogs. Maybe you need to find friends that share the thought that you are so worthy of all good things and that includes a good man to love and support you. Find some older women both married and single, you may be surprised at the font of wisdom you will find sitting at their feet. (See Titus 2: 3-5) Oprah’s not friend’s with Maya Angelou for nothing. Oprah has often quoted Ms.Angelou’s pearls of wisdom on life and relationships on her show.

Finally, forget about you for a while and do for others. There are thousands of causes right in your community that could use your time and talent. You never know what your lending a hand to someone in need may lead to. You may also consider becoming involved in the political process, 2012 is an election year ladies. I have a dear friend who met her current husband because of her political interest. She was friends with her husband’s cousin. The cousin and my friend met because they like listening to NPR the conservative talk radio station. Over the years they shared many lively discussions on various topics. Through those conversations he got to know her and thought my friend and his cousin would make a great pair. Unbeknownst to her, he initially planned to have them meet at a rally for then candidate for president, Barack Obama in Atlanta. He knew, because of her passion for politics she planned to attend. They did not meet then, but his cousin was so sure of the match, he did find an opportunity for them to meet later, and meet they did. I am proud to say they have been happily married for the past year. The other lesson to be learned from this story is that you never know what impression you are making on those around you. You may think that the person in front of you doesn’t matter because they are not your boo, but guess what, he or she may know your potential boo.

2012 is bright and shiny like a new dime, just waiting for you to step on it, and who knows this time next year I could be writing your story. Ladies, here is to a NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, NEW BOO!!!!! See you in 2012…. In the meantime,

Luvsoftly

Guard the Gates!!!!

The more I talk to husbands and wives and coach them through the valley’s in their relationship, the more I find myself going further to the left of center. I am beginning to believe that a lot of things couples take for granted and allow in their relationship they should not. I believe at the very least there should be an understanding between the two that they will protect and be vigilant of their marriage at all cost. In other words, “guarding the gates.”  I know this is not easy, but as you look around temptation is everywhere and so accessible.  Pornography is free on the internet, women are walking around half-dressed, and television is sending so many messages of body image, along with a sundry of other hot button issues.   There should be a deliberate conversation about what will and will not be accepted in the marital relationship.  For example when a man continues to carry on a friendship with a female he calls his “best friend” after he marries his wife.  That should be unacceptable!!!! When you marry, your wife becomes your best friend.  Remember what is said in Genesis  2:24.  ”For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one.”  If that person can’t be your best friend, you should not have married them. I am just saying.

Perfect example is Herman Cain aka “Uncle James”.  You know how every family has an “Uncle James,” who was a player back in the day, but the sun has set on his player days and ain’t no one told him. He still has an eye for the ladies, always making the inappropriate remark  as the P.Y.T. ( you know, Pretty Young Thang) goes by. He means no harm, he is actually kind of funny.  Anyway, I digress as usual. Here is this married man with this woman he describes as a “friend”, that he helps out financially once in a while.  The kicker is, his wife doesn’t know about her. Unfortunately, the “friend” comes out and says that they have been involved in an intimate relationship for 13 years. Yikes, Houston we have a problem!!!. My point is, lets say we accept that she was just a “friend,” but now you are taking money from your house to give to this woman, that the wife doesn’t know about, not cool, not cool at all. If we are lending someone money, especially your “friend” we are talking about it as husband and wife.  In this new age you often hear men talk about having a woman as his best friend, who is not his wife, “because she knows me.”  Then the knucklehead can’t understand why the wife is bothered by it. Or how suddenly he is drawn to this “friend” and presto chango!!! He is having an affair. I can’t say it will never happen even to the best of couples, but if they are vigilant and trust each other they can avoid this unfortunate scenario.   The other adage that comes to mind is what my former pastor in New York used to say, “Whatever you don’t handle in private, will be handled in public.”  Especially if you’re running for president, dang!!!!

Buckle up, because some of you may not like this, but I am beginning to have a problem with this whole “girls night out” thing, where the venue is a club, or other place where single men are rampant.  Why oh why,  if you are married. do you want to be drinking with and rolling up on men you don’t know.  The response I get is,” It means nothing, I go home.” Yeah you do, but you take that “single, wild and crazy” energy home with you. Not a good thing for your humble abode.  Again the Word says,”The wise woman builds her house,  But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”  (see Proverbs 14:1). I am sure you don’t want to tear your house down, but that is what you do by certain behaviors.  You may not see it, but you may just have created a hairline crack, that could be the beginning of the end.  You might have to consider getting  rid of some of your girlfriends, especially the ones who do not respect your marriage. You know the expression misery loves company. Not everyone smiling in your face is happy for you. My late father-in-law always bristled when I had my girlfriends over. While I think he was a little crazy, and a pain,  at the end of the day there might have been some credence to his concern about having women too comfortable in your home, with your husband.  What’s that song by Mary J. Blige, “Kitchen”. Some of the lyrics go like this;

I don’t know it all, but I tell what I do know, never let a girl cook in your kitchen, when pot get hot everything drops. All up in your fridge, and next the stove…..Eyes on your man, hands on ya pot.

How many times have we heard the story of the best girlfriend, getting involved with the husband, right under the wife’s noise.  Ask Shania Twain, who was featured on her own documentary called “Why Not?”, on the O.W.N network.   The series documented Ms. Twain’s journey to rise up from a shattered life despite her talent. One of the issues she had to deal with was her husband having an affair with a woman who was her best friend. She would cry on this woman’s shoulder and tell her all about her problems with her husband, only to find out later that her husband was leaving her for this best friend. Can you say “Oh snap!!!!”  Well fear not, God is good, because Shania ended up falling in love and marrying the woman’s husband. Yeah, buddy!!! He is french, and seems like a genuinely good person and is a hottie. Can you say, Ooh la la!!!!

Let’s start to be serious about guarding the gates of our marriages. In the meantime….

Luvsoftly

Love Test

Those who know me well, know that I am a hopeless romantic. When it comes to love I am all in. My hope in a future husband is that he will sing me mushy love songs, make me laugh, give me flowers just because, and plan thoughtful dates. The piece de la resistance would be making me a nice cup of hot tea with lemon when I come home after a long day at court . What can I say, I’m a simple girl with simple wants.  However, I was watching the Mark Kelly/Gabby Giffords interview with Diane Sawyer the other night, and I saw romance and love in a whole new light. Gabrielle Giffords is the Arizona Congresswoman who was shot by a deranged gunman during a visit to her constituency at a supermarket in Arizona in January 2011. Of course you want a partner who is going to love you even when you look, “tore up from the floor up.”  You know what I mean, legs not shaved,  ashy elbows, hair nappy, needing a perm, a few lumps and bumps strategically placed throughout the body, courtesy of gravity. Like I said tore up!!!

However, like most of you I have never stopped to think that what may be more important to romance and love  in a relationship,  is having someone who would love you when a bullet goes through your brain.  An injury requiring a long hard road to recovery.  In Gabby’s case the recovery entailed among other things learning to move again, to speak again and just remembering basic things.  When you are in the condition that Gabby Giffords  was shown in during the program, laying on a hospital bed, not even the sexiest Victoria Secret lingerie could provide any semblance of sexiness, like on the soap operas. Here, she was hooked up to all sorts of machines and tubes, eyes swollen shut, hair shaved off  and staples holding her scalp closed. Watching the footage from the first days of Gabby’s recovery, there was her husband Mark Kelley, lovingly talking to his wife,  and he says to her at one point,  ”You look great, just got a little work to do here.”  Even through the television screen you could feel the atmosphere of love that surrounded that woman. It was palpable.  The program showed snippets of Gabby Giffords life before the shooting, it was difficult to juxtapose the  powerful, gregarious congresswoman full of life and passion with the figure lying in the hospital bed and later going through a speech therapy session and crying out of frustration.

The traditional wedding vows does include the line “In sickness and in health,” which most brides and grooms recite, but in the moment of the wedding day hoopla,  I’m sure the couple is not considering the full import of that line and what it could mean to the relationship. Mark Kelley bravely facing his wife’s condition says in the program that the sickness and health clause is real. While I am sure he wanted his wife back the way she was before the shooting, at one point his only desire was to see her walk with him, which she eventually does with a limp while holding on to her husband’s hands. That is pure love without the bells and whistles. Love like this is described in 1 Corinthians 13:1-11.

We seem to be in a season where many women are expressing their desire to be married and have that special person to love and who loves them back.  When I speak to other single women about finding that one love, as usual the conversation will turn to looks, earning potential, and ability to “rock my world.”  However I have never had a conversation that included, will he love me if I get gravely ill, or have some deformity that may change me forever.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should go out with a guy and pepper him with all sorts of  traumatic sickness scenarios, to test his love.  What I am saying is that we should consider other aspects of love and romance that may not always be what we see on television or the movies.  Around this time of year with the holiday season upon us, we are bombarded with the media hype of romance and love during the holidays. Ladies don’t believe the hype!!! If I see one more Jared or Kay Jeweler’s Christmas commercial I am going to throw up. Gag!!!!!

Of course we want a man who wants to see us as his own private love goddess and kiss the ground we walk on. However, in the event we are faced with  medical or even mental challenges, we want the man who will have the same attitude as Mark Kelley, as when he told his wife laying in the hospital bed, “You look great, just got a little work to do here.”  That would really be the love test.

In the meantime,

Luvsoftly

“Oh Snap!!!!”

Over the last few years, my enthusiasm over Oprah and her shows had waned.  I was not one of those that was excited over her OWN network, although in hindsight, whether I was still a big fan or not, her accomplishment in owning her own television station is quite an accomplishment for a black woman and should be applauded. I recently found myself one Sunday evening watching the OWN channel, and the new season of the “Ask Oprah’s All Stars” show,  featuring Dr. Mehmet Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil, with Gayle King as the host, was premiering.  One of the stories that was being featured, was that of a white woman named Melinda, who had been on the show during the previous season. The issue with Melinda was that,  shock of all shock,  she was 52 years old and still a virgin!!! Now, while I am not a proponent of judging people on their looks, I have to admit that Melinda was not gorgeous, but was pretty enough with the help of the right make-up and hairdo to be attractive.  Clearly they worked on her appearance for the show. (Come to think of it the Kardashian girls are not that attractive either without the make-up and hair extensions).  I think this lent a little more poignancy to Melinda’s story. While it was not discussed, I believe, there might have been some body image issues that might have prevented her from meeting someone.

On the original “All Stars” show, which aired in January 2011, the goal of the “All Stars” was  to find Melinda a date and remedy her virginity situation. I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand, I felt like, what is the big deal? Why are they making it seem like something was wrong with the woman, because she had not slept around and lost her virginity.  They were making such a fuss regarding Melinda’s virginity, that they were not even listening to her.  It seemed she was more concerned about simply being kissed. During the segment, Melinda bemoans the fact that the last time she was kissed she was 12 years old. Yet, on the other hand my heart ached with the fact that she might die never knowing what it was liked to be loved by someone and to enjoy being made love to under the right circumstances.

They did a little dating game during that segment and set her up on a date with a guy.  The men she had to choose from were all white, a fact that will be important later.   Well, this was the new season of the “All Stars”, and they brought Melinda back  to update the audience on what progress she had made on her love life. Dr. Phil announced that there were some changes in Melinda’s love life since the last show, in that she now had a boyfriend. With much fanfare they brought her boyfriend out to introduce him to the audience.  The boyfriend whose name was John, turned out to be, a  tall,  handsome, black man. It was such a shock to both the audience and Gayle, who could not hide her surprise.  Her mouth dropped opened and then she audibly exclaimed “Oh snap!!!”, as she saw him.   I was literally, ROTFLMAO, (To all you non FB, or texting people, that stands for Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off). I had not heard that expression in so long. Gayle, was clearly fascinated by Melinda’s change of fortune and asked Melinda, how she met this man. Melinda candidly stated through online dating. I guess none of the “All Stars” figured her taste in men might be a little more on the chocolate milk side as opposed to white milk.

John who appeared to be african, from his accent as he spoke, was dressed in a tuxedo, bearing a beautiful bouquet of white flowers.  As he approached Melinda, he handed her the flowers, and said  in a rich baritone voice, “A token of my love, baby.”  At that point, I said, “All right now John.” Not knowing what surprise he had in store for Melinda.   He then, in dramatic fashion, dropped to one knee, pulled a ring box out of his jacket, popped open the box, which of course revealed a diamond engagement ring,  and asked Melinda if she would marry him. She was gushing and could not stop smiling,  and said “yes”.  After the shock of the whole scene died down, the burning question on everyone’s mind and especially Gayle’s,  was whether Melinda was still a virgin?  I thought Melinda handled this so well,  because she turned to John and asked, “You wanna tell them”?   John then confidently stated, “I have not done anything. I have not interrupted her virginity, in any way. She is still a virgin, I am keeping her until we get married.” I was sitting in my living room, shouting you go black man!!!!!! Yeah!!!!

This story so tickled me because, here were these so-called experts, who was going to make sure this “travesty” of a 52 years old woman still being a virgin, which to them seemed wrong, was going to be made right. Only to have the woman not remain with the white guy they set her up with, but instead, go online, meet a black man who seems to respect her enough not to “interfere with her virginity”. A black man who then asked her to marry him on national television.  Then, proclaim that he was waiting until they were married to “do the do”. What a gift from God for this woman.  I am sure there will be cynics out there, who may have concerns about this pairing. Perhaps even from her own friends and family. To all those cynics I say don’t be a hater. This woman probably, had many a pity party, as she saw others finding love and seeming happy. I am sure she never thought that her beloved would be a black man from Africa, who would be so respectful of her that he would be willing to wait and marry her,  before fulfilling his own desires. In my Haitian culture there is a saying, “Every bread has its’ cheese.” My girl Melinda it seems, has certainly found the cheese for her bread, in John.

So if you find yourself a virgin over thirty, oh snap!!!! , your “John” may be around the corner…

In the meantime,

Luvsoftly

****If you would like to view this episode go to Oprah.com and hit the OWN button, and search the Ask Oprah All Stars show, it is episode 1.

Matchmaker, matchmaker!!!!

When I was in elementary school, we were taken to see the movie Fiddler On The Roof. The story of a poor Jewish dairy farmer, Tevye and his daughters, living in Russia in the early 1900′s. There is a scene where the daughters sing a song called, “Matchmaker.” In it the girls pray that the village matchmaker, which in the Jewish custom is called a “shadkhin”, would find them just the right person as a husband. Of course each of the daughters want different things in a husband, and are hopeful the matchmaker could fulfill their wishes. Part of the lyrics goes like this, I still remember it from all those years ago. Go figure.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match.

In reality matchmaking is the oldest profession. Believe it or not God, was the first matchmaker. As it says in the Word, “And the Lord God said, “ It it not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Genesis 2:18 NKJV) Besides the jewish culture, other cultures have relied on matchmakers for centuries, such as the Indian culture, where the matchmaker is called a “nayan.” I recently had the opportunity to talk to a real matchmaker, who isn’t Jewish or Indian. The matchmaker I speak of is, D.T. “The Duke” Green. He is a young, black, ordained christian minister from South Carolina, now living in Georgia. Yes I said, “he”, he is a man. I am sure Jewish matchmakers are doing cartwheels in their graves, oy vey!!!

Minister Green says he received a mandate from God to assist people who are serious about having healthy, christian relationships, that will eventually lead to marriage through the use of a matchmaker. This concept has roots in humble beginnings for Green. His christian based company is called “Single For 1″. It began with Minister Green, who is also a relationship advisor, doing a blog about relationships in 2010. By the middle of 2011, he began hosting live events, and social gatherings as an opportunity for christian singles to meet. I have often felt that christian singles are the foster children of most churches, they don’t know what to do with us. Sorry, I digress.

During a recent trip home to South Carolina, Minister Green says it was laid on his heart to expand Single For 1 to include a matchmaking service for christian singles. As he describes it, “I literally was awaken during the night and given a plan as to how this matchmaking piece should work.” He stated that getting this message was really ironic for him since in his 12 years as a minister, he simply wanted to be a preacher, without a lot of fanfare. However, he feels strongly that there will be a shift, where the covenant of marriage will be respected and returned to being the foundation of strong families again. As he puts it, “The vision is to be a bridge and catalyst to igniting and birthing God ordained marriages across the globe for generations now and generations to come.” This is evidenced by his tagline, “A Movement, A Lifestyle, A Legacy.” Having said that Minister Green and his team plan to cover the whole gamut of relationships. Besides offering matchmaking services, there will be singles relationship consultation, couples relationship consultation, and even consultation services for both married and single christian women who finds themselves pregnant and at a crossroads. This would be an unbiased, non judgmental consulting service to help that person navigate through the pregnancy. While the current headquarters of Single for 1 is in Atlanta, Georgia, plans are underway to launch offices in Charleston, SC and nationwide.

Minister Green will be offering two matchmaking packages, The Platinum Elite, and the Gold Standard. The services include, a personal telephone interview, face to face interviews, spiritual gifting assessments, personality assessments, background checks of all candidates, the use of a relationship coach, clinical psychologist, date planning and even image consulting. I have been on enough bad dates to realize that we singles need all the help we can get. Minister Green says he has conducted a soft launch of these services and is enthusiastic with the responses so far. The idea of having a middleman, that can direct the dating process, and allow those interested to have the security of knowing, that the person they are meeting has been properly vetted should certainly provide comfort. This is quite the opposite with online dating, where all you have is an individual’s profile, that might include a ten year old picture and exaggerated facts.

If you’re interested in learning more about Single for 1, for yourself or for someone else, you can go to the website, www.singlefor1.com. You can also watch Minister Green’s video introduction to his services, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPD3UJ37XZ

I have tried everything else, so it can’t hurt to try this. Oh, Mr. Matchmaker……

In the meantime,

Luvsoftly

Same Old Bag Of Tricks!!!!

Several months ago I met a gentlemen at a bookstore during a Steve Harvey book signing. I usually don’t talk to strangers, but I’d seen him several times prior in the bookstore,  helping a young boy do homework. I assume he was a tutor.   We struck up a conversation and talked about the popularity of Steve Harvey and his  impact on relationships. He also stated that he wanted his young ward to see a successful black man who was not a rapper, or basketball player. I thought this was quite admirable. At the end of the conversation, he gave me his number and asked that I call him. I politely told him that it was nice of him to provide me his number, but that I would not be calling him, as I make it a practice not to call men.  He was startled for a minute, then said, “Wow, okay, may I have your number, I’d like to have coffee with you.”  We have since become friends, it turns out that unbeknownst to both of us, we go to the same church and gym. Who knew??? I describe this scenario because there was a time when I thought nothing of calling up a guy that showed some interest in me, the thinking being, “Ooh don’t want to let that one get away.”  How many ways can I say thank you God for allowing me to dodge that bullet!!!!!!  I slowly realized that as someone who was looking for a long-term relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, I had to stop going into the same old bag of tricks that I used in the past.  Especially,  before I came to understand God’s design for me as a wife. In Proverbs 31, King Lemuel’s mother  describes some characteristics of  a wife, (a lot of men do listen to their mama’s, y’all),  in verses 25 and 26 it says,

“She is clothed with strength and dignity;  she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” Yeah, I want to be like her.

We all have that old bag of tricks that we go into as we navigate the waters of relationships. In particular as christian women who once was in the world of dating and relationships, prior to us getting saved. Only problem is that many of us brought that old bag of tricks with us into our new life. Can’t put new wine into old wine skins, (see Mark 2:22).   Some tricks might be how we approach men we are interested in, aggressive, desperate, aloof, overly flirty, uptight bible toting christian,  life of the party, Miss independent, giving away the “cookie.” like Mrs. Fields.  Or in the way we dress, boobies out,  booty shakin’,  painted on jeans, unbe-weavable,  ”How you doing?” eyelashes,  and lips that make Mick Jagger look like he is puckering up, need I go on? I accept that men are visual creatures, but do they have to meet the “girls” on the first date? I’ll ask you what Dr. Phil ask many of the guests on his show, “How is that working for you?

Consider if you will,  trying a different approach. Try setting up standards for yourself.  I did that several years ago.  Believe it or not, men like standards.  I sat down and looked into my old bag of tricks, and changed what I did. I actually came up with standards like the one I described earlier.   Another standard I have set for myself is that I don’t lally-gag on the phone with a guy.  When you stay on too long, eventually the conversation starts going down that slippery “sex-talk” slope. You know the one,  that’s where he starts asking you, “So what are you wearing?”  Okay, it was nice talking to you. Click!!!!   Another standard I set is that, while I do try to look nice and pretty, (I am a girly-girl), I try not to highlight physical features that will distract from the guy seeing and hearing me.  I also had to  trust in God, that “the one” will not get away from me. In fact he’ll actually be looking for me. The bible say “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22. I must admit at times it’s not easy to be patient and wait to be found, but everyday I am sure he is getting hotter and hotter.

At the end of the day you want to be marriage material.  Would you marry you today, with your bag of tricks?  Be honest with yourself? It’s hard, I know.  In the long run you will be happy you did, and you will feel so much better about the person you are.   There is a television pastor who often says, “To get something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done.”  Get rid of the old bag of tricks and set some standard for yourself.  If you have them, when confronted with relationship situations you will be firm in your standards. Just think of how many  Bozo’s you can avoid, until your Boaz finally comes along.

In the meantime,

Luvsoftly

How To Fight!!!!

When I was little, my sisters used to tease me. They would call me “Muhammad Ali”, because I liked to fight, not physically, but I always wanted to be heard and had to have the last word in any verbal fight with my sisters. You know, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”  Not!!!  I was just loud and very dramatic. It’s no surprise that I became an attorney as an adult.  As a wife, I still had the same fighting methods I had as a child.  It made for some very interesting fights, especially since my husband’s method of quarrelling was to look at me while I ranted and raved and then, when I wore myself out, he would calmly ask, “Can I go now?”  After all that,what the hey!!!!!

I soon learned over time that my fighting method was not working, but just making me extremely tired and frustrated.  In reality, I just wanted to be heard. I had to change my approach to making myself heard in the relationship. My husband was not the quarreling type. He was the oldest male child and his parents spoiled him.  His sister was 10 years younger, so he never really fought with anyone in his house. What I realize was that he was used to being talked to in regards to conflicts. His dad was a man of few words and just laid down the law. In addition, whatever was needed to be done, was just done, and my husband got the message. I describe all this to say that, as a result I had to adjust my fighting style to his, what little that existed.  I had to accept that it was not about winning, or necessarily being right, but just being heard.

As a wife you need to become fully cognizant of your spouse’s fighting style. In addition, do the unexpected. If you are a screamer, stop screaming, if you say nothing, say something.  However, be clear on what it is that you want at the end of this fight.  For example, I am currently coaching a wife, who describes her husband’s fighting style as, just screaming and going on and on. She also realized that he used this method of fighting to vent.  While this was not her style, in response she would follow suit, and they both end up screaming, while never really hearing what the other is saying. She recently called me and filled me in on a conflict that was developing. She knew that her husband was going to come home with guns blazing. We talked about the issues and explored the role she played in the conflict and what role he played in the conflict. There were some aspects of the conflict that she admittedly took responsibility for and was prepared to apologize.   At the end of the day she just wanted to apologize and move on.  I advised her to not respond when he started his ranting and raving. This at first was very difficult for her, some habits are hard to break. (It has been scientifically proven that it takes only 21 days to break a habit).  She called me during this conflict, and I reminded her that it was not about being right. Her husband did go on and on, for a while, but slowly subsided as he realize that his wife was not responding as expected. He suddenly stopped and asked her what was wrong. At that point she quietly told him how he was making her feel and apologized.  Her response disarmed him and allowed him to hear her. Is he perfect yet, no, still a work in progress.  In Exodus 14:14 the word says ,”If you remain still, I will do your fighting for you”.  That is a promise from God ladies.

Now you may wonder, why doesn’t the husband have to do any work or exercise self-control? I will provide you with a quote I recently heard from Iyanla Van Zant, the nationally known author and life coach, who was presented with the same question, on a recent edition of Oprah’s Life Class. “Stay in your car, in your lane and your road.” In other words you cannot worry about how or when your spouse will change, or do what you perceive as right. You are the only one that matters, thus you want to work on you because that is the only person you have control over. Also keep in mind that the change in you may be the catalyst for the change in him. In the meantime.

Luvsoftly